Is It Just A Minor Thing?

Life is unpredictable we will never know what will coming next. 

In 2013 until early 2015 I had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder because of my separation with my ex. Those years, I was undergo to a therapy. I had a chemistry with my first therapist, I felt warm and comfortable talking to her all my troubles, she made me feel like we are strangers but are friends. She was so good to me, she even made a request to my doctor to see me for my other health issues, having depression also affect our health. I had twelve (12) sessions with her and it felt so short, maybe because I felt at ease with her. When I moved to different city and continued my therapy, my second therapy was good but I don't feel connected with her, I didn't able to finish all my sessions with her, cos in my point of view I shouldn't waste her time trying hard to comfort me, since we don't feel connected to each other. After I ended my session with my second therapist, I tried my very best to help myself and get motivated each day, I was enjoying my life back then and pulling myself to get out on my comfort zone. My past was my reality, it was easy for me to say forget the past but the memories of the past still remains. I have no rights to blame or complain cos it was my choice, it was my choice what had had happened in my past and I didn't regret it at all. I have been living alone for the past 5 years in a foreign land( after my ex left me in 2013). It was a good decision and choice that I didn't return myself to my parents in Manila (Philippines), as an only child I became strong, brave and independent person that no one knew that I could be ( cos even I, sometimes can't believe what I had been through and what other challenges will face in the future),that I can stand on my own feet, of course with the guide and help of God and the unconditional love and support of my parents I conquered it all.

At the moment, I have been struggling with my depression again because of all the events that had happened for the past few months. My father is having kidney problem and he is undergoing home dialysis and my mother is also diabetic and need to monitor her kidney as well. Financially I am no good at the moment since I am currently unemployed and looking for job but since no job available for me I was trying to create job for myself which is doing small business in the fashion industry. I am in the first phase of this small business and since I don't have financial to finance my own business, I need to think how I can make income and finance my small business in the future, so the outcome is planning and preparing a fashion event in Fall and it will be profitable by selling and marketing our upcoming event. To be honest, it wasn't easy at all  I became restless, no energy, no motivation, can't concentrate nor focus to all the things that I need to do, maybe, just maybe I am mentally and emotionally exhausted especially with my parents health issues that I can't even help or support them cos I have nothing to help them at the moment. I prayed a lot, talked to God from time to time asking forgiveness and asking guidance and telling him that I can do this again ( since I had been through the same thing in 2013 until early 2015)  and give me some courage, determination and motivation to face all these challenges again and I know our miracles will happen at the right time. I only have my parents in this world we are living( it is a good reminder that we are only three in this world; my father, my mother and I), I don't have anything else nor someone else. In my experience, I learned not to ask help cos I guess when you ask help, you need to pay it back cos otherwise they will hunt you and will spontaneously remind you that they used to help you. So from then, I avoid to ask help from anyone,it is not an ego but a disappointment that in this world there is no free of charge, but there are still people who always think that they helped you even though it wasn't a help at all but just made some comments towards your problem. 

I am alone living in this foreign land  but I am not lonely, I love living on my own, I get more stress and restless if I live with others; noises whether small or loud, messy living room, messy kitchen, dirty toilet, hair on the floor, unpleasant smell, etc.. all those things it bothers me a lot. That's why I decided to live all by myself despite it will be break me and  I don't see it as a negative impact cos the most important thing for me is my health, my mental health. 

I am very thankful and grateful to my friends in Finland especially my Western friends, they knew my stories from the beginning, they are very supportive, always cheering me up, they understand me and they were so proud of me cos I did able to managed all those challenges that I had been through.I guess they are my "True Friends". I have friends in Manila but as time goes by I just realized they are not those friends who you can lean on,despite we started to get acquainted many years ago ( usually they measured the meaning of friendship by numbers of years) not because we have different lives, but definitely I have different point of view from them "what a True Friends means?" 

No one knows  in the circulation of my acquaintances and my blood related in Manila and in U.S. that I am a deep person even I, I just also realized that I am a deep person but my few friends in Finland knew it already from the beginning after they heard what I had been through. 

As as I am sharing this to you, I am starting to uplift my life again, I've been in a depressive disorder mood for the past few months, I used to be a morning person despite I still wake up at 5:30 or 6:00 but my body doesn't want to get up, I just lied  on my mattress for about 2 hours and my two hours was wasted for lying on the mattress starring my stuffed dog and I need to fight this depression, no one will able to help me but myself because I am strong independent woman, I need to calm myself, I need not to worry (as I've been telling and reminding myself all the time). One step at a time is all I need to gain my focus, motivation, determination and bring back my concentration. 

Today, 7th of May 2018 I woke up at 5:30, prayed my rosary, talked to God, brush my teeth, washed my face, put my sweats on, my shoes, my jacket and I started to have a 30mins morning walk while listening to a good music, enjoying the bright sun, blooming trees and flowers. I am hoping that my guardian angel  would be able to help me to continue this daily routine of mine. 

#fightdepression
#supportUS
#thankyou

Cheers,
Jo ❤☺